It’s Love Island season, baby! The show may have slowed down a bit from its heyday, when all you could see on Twitter were tweets about the drama in the village or that montage of England’s penalty shootout against Colombia with The National playing it instead. .. whatever you can watch now, when you don’t have a limited rate. Something about Barbie, probably.
Anyway, Love Island. What if, instead of teams using the summer break to ‘improve their cars’ or other nerdy things like that, they sent all the drivers to an island, a love island? , so to speak, and do what they do on the show? Call it a Drive to Survive bonus series. Wife to survive? Netflix probably has a names person.
If they did, and they absolutely should, this is how it could be. In roughly the order that they would be kicked off the show, we start with…
Strengths: Successful, not bad looking
Weaknesses: He has absolutely no intention of being on this show.
There are no racing simulators in the villa. There isn’t even a single gaming chair. The only reason to keep a camera on Max is to see how fast he scales a wall and runs away.
Strengths: Happy guy
Weaknesses: he is of child age
I’m sorry Oscar, but you’re about 12 years old. His passport says 22, but that’s 22 in Australian years, which works on a kind of reverse cat year system due to being backwards. You’d still be the baby of the group in normal human years anyway, so you’re leaving early.
Strengths: absolutely loaded
Weaknesses: I play less than zero
Watch the last 10 seconds of this clip, and then say, with a straight face, that Lance Stroll would stop by the villa. You can’t. It can’t be done.
That reaction from Lance Stroll when Rachel asks if she can get on the podium tomorrow 😅 pic.twitter.com/V60XIoSjDd
— Sky Sports F1 (@SkySportsF1) June 3, 2023
Strengths: life experience
Weaknesses: Not all of that life experience is good.
In the most respectful way possible, Checo has great divorced-dad energy. That may be something to some of you, and it is valid, and you are valid, but that is absolute Love Island poison. The younger guys will come to him for what turns out to be very, very bad advice.
Strengths: Definitely a man that exists
Weaknesses: There is almost nothing interesting in it.
Like Czech, but German.
Strengths: He is… Virgo?
Weaknesses: he is a virgin
He has a rather piercing gaze, but in the sense of ‘this man suspects I’m the real killer’ rather than ‘wow, he can see into my soul’. Which is not a power up.
Strengths: Pretty Jawline Haircut You Could Set Your Watch With
Logan Sargeant feels like a very nice guy, but no one has seen much of his personality yet and…well, not Florida. You have to ask some search questions.
Strengths: Cute Beard
Weaknesses: It doesn’t really fit the aesthetics of the villa.
If this was Love Forest, KMag would probably be a favorite. It’s Love Island though, and all your bearded Danish stuff just isn’t going to work so well. Candidate for severe sunburn.
Strengths: so so nice
A charming young man. A very pretty young man! But like… that permanent smile and the fact that he would fit in your pocket make him an ideal “shoulder to cry on” candidate, not a couples candidate. I’m sorry yuki. One day you will find the future co-owner of the restaurant of your dreams!
Strengths: youthfully handsome
Weaknesses: accident prone
Everyone’s favorite Monegasque will walk in, be instantly charming and handsome with people, end up hounded by potential matches, and then end up covered in blood because he accidentally headbutted someone in the nose to kiss them. So, a mixed bag.
Strengths: tall pretty eyes
Weaknesses: Gangly and, like, imagine him waiting for you at the door doing The Pose
Mr. Suave, Mr. T-Pose, Mr. ‘has to be escorted out of the villa after a shouting match when someone makes fun of him for ironing his socks’.
Strengths: handsome in his 40s
Weaknesses: You know, in his 40’s
One thing we know for sure? nando would never head over to the diary room to spill what he’s really thinking about anything. It would all be little sly winks and winks about things that may or may not be happening. taylor who?
Carlos Sainz jr.
Weaknesses: void of personality
Try to think of something you know about Carlos Sainz. Was your… dad a rally driver? Apparently he broke up with his partner recently? handsome man but please do something interesting soon for god’s sake.
Note: after the first draft of this, I have been reliably informed that Carlos Sainz ‘is dumb’ and ‘loves breakfast’, so make of that what you will.
Strengths: Fantastic sense of fashion.
Weaknesses: It’s not a very big name
Forget lewis hamilton. Zhou Guanyu is the best dressed man on the F1 grid, and it’s bordering on criminal that this isn’t recognized more. Big smile, super cool demeanor, and left, right, and center attacks. Rising star of the series, without a doubt.
Strengths: High standards
Weaknesses: High standards
Speaking of the devil… Lewis is obviously doing well in the village. He’s got the style, he’s got the moves, and he posts enough thirst traps that we know he’s got a great platform, too. The only thing is, anyone who wants to bond with him knows that he has dated a Pussycat Doll and dates Shakira all the time. He’s a bit intimidating, isn’t he?
Strengths: Looks, languages, pretty cool
Weaknesses: He remains, ultimately, French.
Don’t be afraid to say it! Pierre Gasly is hot! He has fantastic hair, seems like a lot of fun, speaks three languages, and is a good companion to at least one other driver, so you know he’s not entirely unbearable! Just keep it PG-13 when the cameras roll, huh? You know, because of his initials? And the movie rating that means you can’t get too spicy? If you understand.
Weaknesses: looks about 15
In case anyone in the paddock reads this, or Lando is selfish, I need to know what he uses on his hair to keep it this voluminous and curly all the time. It’s not cool that you can walk out of an engineering marvel at 200mph, take your helmet off and have no helmet hair. I am on my knees begging, for everyone else with glorious curly hair, what is the Lando Norris hair regimen. Please.
Strengths: That smile. that damn smile
Weaknesses: a little too hyper
Look at Danny Ric, listen to him. This is a man who will absolutely, unquestionably flirt with every person in the village. The man has levels of rizz (is that the correct use of rizz? It’s a very TikTok word, isn’t it) never before seen on the modern F1 grid. He will charm everyone effortlessly, but it remains to be seen if he has learned to keep his composure when someone chooses him as their second choice.
Strengths: High, his name means that he is always at the top of your contact list.
Weaknesses: Too fancy? Also the thing to drive on rips your skin.
You’re not going to get any kind of rational response here, because I, myself, writing this article, blatantly break the fourth wall, and with it the implicit agreement between writer and reader that I will not insert myself into what you. rereading for the second time – I don’t understand. But I can’t deny it. Alex Albon is horny and I don’t know why. Alex Albon is hot and everything he thought about F1 is shattered. Alex Albon is hot and God is dead.
It’s all about attitude, right? Valtteri will win Love Island by relaxing poolside in a baggy vest and shorts, occasionally dipping a stubby and arching an eyebrow in response to the chaotic man-children surrounding him. And everyone will love him for it. Valtteri Bottas is the pinnacle of modern F1 masculinity, and he will leave town tanned and with another partner.